Core Needs
Communication
A language creating understanding, connection, & growth with every conversation
What does CNC do?
If you’ve ever had concerns like
- “How do I say what I want without seeming greedy or demanding?”
- “How can I share my opinion without upsetting anyone?”
- “How do I bring up a touchy or sensitive subject?”
- “How can I handle anger better?”
- “How do I talk about feelings?”
The way CNC helps with these (and more) is the language itself is structured to highlight the triggers of people’s behaviours & words, their emotions and needs, and to connect with them at this level
Within Yourself
Manage emotions, motivation, and fulfillment, through understanding yourself, your values & goals, and creating the ways to fulfill and achieve them
In Relationships
Understand & empathize with each other more comfortably, and be more open to sharing and figuring things out together, ending up happier
In Business
Get conflicts resolved more productively, so that teams, clients, and partners grow more trust, confidence, and resilience with each other
How does it work?
CNC is spoken at its most fundamental level by expressing Situations, which are composed of 3 parts:
- Clean Observations
- Pure Emotions
- Core Needs
Clean Observations
A Clean Observation is a direct sensory experience, something you literally saw with your eyes, heard with your ears, felt with your body, smelt with your nose, or tasted with your mouth
(Unclear expressions with non-observations)
- “I saw him steal the phone”
- “I heard you insult me”
- “He pushed me”
- “There was a disgusting smell”
- “It tasted like heaven”
(Clearer expressions with Clean Observations)
- “I saw him put the phone into his pocket“
- “I heard you say ‘That’s dumb’ ”
- “I felt pressure on my arm, and saw him”
- “I smelt cheddar cheese”
- “I tasted strawberry”
Non-observations can be vague, subjective, and interpreted in different ways than you intend.
Clean Observations are more objective, shared points of reference people can more easily agree on
Pure Emotions
A Pure Emotion is an internal mental state that creates unpleasant or pleasant physical feelings in the body
There are 2 types:
Suffering
- Anger
- Fear
- Sadness
Fulfillment
- Comfort
- Happiness
- Excitement
(Unclear expressions with non-emotions)
- “I feel cheated on”
- “I feel like you’re ignoring me”
- “I feel unloved by you”
(Clearer expressions with Pure Emotions)
- “I’m worried”
- “I’m feeling frustrated”
- “I’m sad”
Non-emotions can contain presumptions that imply “wrongness” and trigger defensiveness.
Pure Emotions are clean, so it’s easier for people to hear them comfortably and empathize with them
Core Needs
A Core Need is a top-level value that all people share
There are 3 categories:
Freedom
- Making decisions for yourself
- Being able to do what you want
- Knowing things will be okay
Connection
- Being recognized & understood
- Relating to someone
- Having a bond or “something special”
Growth
- Building & creating
- Improving skills & capabilities
- Learning & sharing knowledge
(Unclear expressions with non-needs)
- “I need to smack him”
- “I need him to calm down”
- “I need to leave this situation”
(Clearer expressions with Core Needs)
- “I need peace”
- “I need understanding”
- “I need to know I’ll be okay”
Non-needs can create violent beliefs and tunnel vision on unfulfilling and unnecessary things.
Core Needs are shared values people can easily connect with and use to elevate their perspective
What does this look like?
Imagine you’re in a group, some are friends, some are new people, and you hear one of the new people say to your friend “Your friends are lame”.
How would you feel? Because what do you need?
For your side
After I heard “Your friends are lame” I was feeling angry , because I need to be understood
For their side
Maybe when they heard our idea, it wasn’t what they were hoping for, and felt frustrated, because they need to have connection around the things they enjoy
Is that it?
There’s way more. Everything above is just the beginning of The Fundamentals.
However, even just The Fundamentals already has been seen to make a huge difference for how people feel, think, and speak to themselves and with others in romance, family, friendships, work, and more.
The more familiar you get with CNC, the more your comfort and confidence grows when you want to
- Express your opinions & desires in ways others can more easily understand & accept
- Respond to uncomfortable requests or behaviours (saying “no”) effectively
- Catch anger or fear in the moment, and clear it up before reacting
- And many others
As a bonus, here’s a story:
A CNC student in our community (let’s call him Freddie) invited me (Sabian) to a social meetup he was planning to attend, which is already surprising to me, because just a month earlier, he was terrified of speaking to people, but now he’s going out to social events and is excited to meet new people. I was excited for him.
When we arrived, Freddie and I started talking with a girl (let’s call her Carly), and within 5 minutes of starting our conversation, she decided to share her stories with us, frustrations she had about her family, past relationships, and more.
But 15 minutes in, she stopped herself and said “Wait. Why am I telling you this? I only tell this to certain people”.
That’s when I said “Maybe you’re just comfortable and feel heard”.
She said “Yeah!”.
Then, I say “Do you know why you’re so comfortable? We speak a language called Core Needs Communication”.
And she was hooked. She started coming to our weekly in-person CNC Practice events. But, then 2 weeks later, another thing happened: Carly and Freddie, the guy who invited me to the first social event, started dating.
I was laughing with excitement, because this wasn’t the intention, but it fulfills 2 out of the 3 parts of Ugeddit’s purpose: making difficult conversations easier, and growing happy relationships.
As of today (January 20th, 2025), Carly and Freddie have been speaking CNC during frustrating moments to clear them up and create understanding, and also during happy moments, to connect deeper on why those moments are happy for them, and what they mean for them.
I love seeing things like this, and I’m always looking forward to what else they and others can overcome and grow together.
And, here are some candid messages people sent in the community with no expectation or preparation that they would be shared publicly, but ones they gave permission to share afterwards:
How can I get started?
In addition to practising The Fundamentals above, you also can…
Community-supported learning
Online practice events
Free resources
Talks, seminars, workshops
Programs, retreats
Interventions