Core Needs
Communication
A language designed to create comfort & understanding, and build connection & growth in every conversation and relationship
What does CNC do?
If you’ve ever had concerns like
- “How do I say what I want without seeming greedy or demanding?”
- “How can I share my opinion without upsetting anyone?”
- “How do I bring up a touchy or sensitive subject?”
- “How can I express my appreciation?”
- “How do I talk about feelings?”
Then CNC helps with these and more, because it focuses on recognizing the source of people’s words & behaviours, their emotions and needs, and creating new ideas that everyone is happy with
- Within oneself, this helps you manage emotions, motivation, and fulfillment, through understanding yourself, your values & goals, and finding ways to fulfill and achieve them
- In relationships, this allows people to understand & empathize with each other more comfortably, and be more open to figuring things out together, so they end up happier
- In business, this allows conflicts to be resolved more productively, so that teams, clients, and partners grow more trust, confidence, and resilience
How do I know it really works?
Here are some candid messages people sent in the community with no expectation or preparation that they would be shared publicly, but ones they gave permission to share afterwards:
So how does it work?
CNC is spoken at its most fundamental level by expressing Situations, which are composed of 3 things:
- Pure Emotions
- Direct Observations
- Core Needs
For example:
I’m frustrated after hearing “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, because I need growth
… and I get growth when people tell me things I can use to improve my understanding
… so are you okay with sharing what you know about this topic?
The first line is an example of a Situation.
The next lines are examples of things that are covered in the CNC curriculum: a fulfilling Strategy and Request.
Pure Emotions
A Pure Emotion is an internal mental state that creates unpleasant or pleasant physical feelings in the body
Suffering
- Anger
- “I’m frustrated when…”
- “I feel irritated after…”
- “I’m angry”
- Fear
- “I’m concerned after…”
- “I’m worried when…”
- “I’m scared”
- Sadness
- “I’m feeling down after…”
- “I feel unhappy when…”
- “I’m sad”
Fulfillment
- Comfort
- “I’m comfortable”
- “I feel calm when…”
- “I’m feeling relaxed after…”
- Happiness
- “I’m happy”
- “I’m glad about…”
- “I feel delighted when…”
- Excitement
- “I’m excited”
- “I get aroused when…”
- “I’m feeling motivated after…”
(Unclear expressions of non-emotions)
- “I feel cheated on”
- “I feel like you’re ignoring me”
- “I feel unloved by you”
How would you feel hearing these non-emotions?
(Clearer expression of Pure Emotions)
- “I’m worried”
- “I’m feeling frustrated”
- “I’m sad”
How would you feel hearing these Pure Emotions?
Non-emotions can contain presumptions that imply “wrongness” and trigger defensiveness.
But, Pure Emotions are clean, so it’s easier for people to hear them comfortably and empathize with them
Direct Observations
A Direct Observation is a specific sensory experience, something you literally saw with your eyes, heard with your ears, felt with your body, smelt with your nose, or tasted with your mouth
(Unclear expressions of non-observations)
- “I saw him steal the phone”
- “I heard you insult me”
- “He pushed me”
- “There was a disgusting smell”
- “It tasted like heaven”
(Clearer expressions of Direct Observations)
- “I saw him put the phone into his pocket“
- “I heard you say ‘That’s dumb’ ”
- “I felt pressure on my arm, and saw him”
- “I smelt cheddar cheese”
- “I tasted strawberry”
Non-observations can be vague, subjective, and interpreted in many different ways than you intend.
But, Direct Observations are more objective, shared points of reference people can more easily agree on
Core Needs
A Core Need is a top-level value that all people share
- Freedom
- Making decisions for yourself
- Being able to do what you want
- Knowing everything will be okay
- Connection
- Being recognized, understood
- Relating to someone
- Having a bond
- Growth
- Doing, building, creating things
- Developing skills, improving capabilities
- Learning, acquiring, passing on knowledge
(Unclear expressions of non-needs)
- “I need to smack him”
- “I need him to calm down”
- “I need to leave this situation”
(Clearer expressions of Core Needs)
- “I need peace”
- “I need understanding”
- “I need to know I’ll be okay”
Non-needs can create violent beliefs and tunnel vision on unfulfilling and unnecessary things.
But, Core Needs are common values people can more easily connect with and use to see more options
What does this look like?
Imagine you’re in a group, some are friends, some are new people, and you hear one of the new people say to your friend “Your friends are lame”
If someone was actually in this scenario, their Situation would be the
- Pure Emotion they’d be feeling
- Direct Observation they’d be making
- Core Need they’d be having
Putting these together into a sentence might look something like this:
On your side
“I’m feeling angry after hearing ‘Your friends are lame’, because I need to be understood“
On their side
“They might be feeling frustrated after perhaps not seeing something they were hoping for with us, maybe because they need to have connection around the things they enjoy”
Is that it?
There’s way more. Pure Emotions, Direct Observations, and Core Needs are only a part of the 1st section of the CNC curriculum: The Fundamentals of CNC.
But even with just learning The Fundamentals of CNC by heart, and translating all thoughts, words, and behaviours into Situations already makes a huge difference for how people feel, think, and speak to themselves and others.
The more familiar you get with speaking CNC, the more your comfort and confidence grows when you want to
- Express discomforts & desires in ways others can more easily understand & accept
- Respond to unwanted requests or behaviours (saying “no”) effectively
- Catch anger or fear in the moment, and clear it up
- And more…
More parts of the CNC curriculum include
- Speaking with Yourself
- Recognizing your own Situation
- Guessing someone else’s Situation
- Creating a Plan
- Deciding a fulfilling Action
- Deciding a Request
- Speaking with Others
- Announcing your Action
- Making your Request
- Aligning Interpretations
- …
So how can I learn & practise CNC?
Community-supported learning
Online practice events
Free resources
Talks, seminars, workshops
Programs, retreats
Interventions