Technique:
When someone says something you disagree with
- Dodge your mental reflex to correct it
- Next, imagine that you have no idea what it means but you’re curious to learn, and ask about it
- Then, as they give you an answer, put that answer in a mental bottle where you can clearly see it but it doesn’t affect you, and use that as you think and talk about it, and you’ll notice how much smoother the conversation goes, and how much more both of you understand about each other
Explanation:
When conflict happens, it usually (if not always) starts from a mental reflex, such as correcting something we think is wrong, but what we’re actually doing, sometimes, is saying “I don’t understand how it can be that, so that must be wrong. But I do know how it can be this, so this must be right, and I like to make things right”. However, the question is this: does the fact we don’t understand it yet necesarily mean it’s wrong? Probably not, because we don’t know everything, do we? And as we learn more throughout our lives, we add more to our beliefs based on the new things we experience, which includes learning about other people’s perspectives.
Next, when you ask people about their opinion as if you have no idea but are still genuinely curious, it can cancel out potential interpretations of “negative sarcasm” or condesceding tone which makes the other person feel they need to defend themself for having a different opinion, where instead the genuine curiosity tells them more clearly that you’re not asking to collect ammunition for an attack, but are actually wanting to learn, and that opens people up to sharing more.
Finally, by putting their answers and opinions in your “mental bottle” (or another transparent container you want to use), it helps you remember that their opinion is just that: an opinion. It’s not a weapon, and it’s not a threat. Actually, it’s perfectly safe to explore and learn about up close, because your own opinion is unaffected, and at the same time if you want to enhance your opinion using what you learn, you can always do that whenever you choose to.
Conclusion:
Dodge the reflex, ask genuinely, and collect their opinion safely. Easy, isn’t it? When you use this regularly in all of your conversations, at first it might be a bit awkward and you may stop and think more often, but that’s how learning happens, isn’t it? And as you build up your familiarity with it and improve how you use it, you’ll notice how much smoother your conversations start becoming.
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As you start to use these skills well and improve them, let us know how they’ve been starting to improve your charming conversational skills even further!